Marc's Messages

New 'wolfwarning' system

"When Brent Libby started attending Green Valley Baptist church, he was surprised at the icy reception he received. The reason: the pastor knew all about Libby. He'd read about him on WolfWarning.com, a website which chronicles bad behavior by local church-goers. Libby's file included a photograph and comments written by his former pastor that said, "Argues with me over minor doctrinal points after every service. Thinks he knows Greek. Not interested in maturing, just debate. Wolf rating: 3." A hilarious story from Lark News about an advanced warning system that is being used by pastors all over the United States to keep track of troublesome Christians, that bounce from one church to another, causing the same types of problems.

Measuring church growth

Grace Valley Baptist church has been losing a dozen members per year. But according to a recent measure, the church is expanding 7 percent annually. The reason: They now measure attendance by weight rather than per person. "We may be shrinking numerically, but in sheer mass we're growing fast," says pastor Sam Winter. A hilarious story from satirical e-zine Lark News.

Also funny:
Dobson endorses family for president in '08
Man's prophetic actions offer lifestyle of fun

Corporate organizational chart

When cleaning up some paperwork, Karolien found this funny corporate organizational chart (pdf). It reminds me of the time I still worked in such a company structure. The corporate communications department where I was employed was situated directly under the General Director, but of course as I was not in a senior leadership position my name did not even show up in the chart. On several occasions, partly out of naivity, partly out of intentional disregard, I crossed the 'boundaries' of the chart and got myself into trouble. I quickly discovered that I was not born for company politics.

Overcoming Bono Fatigue

Andrew Billings set up a website for U2 fans suffering from Bono Fatigue as a result of over-consumption of U2 music, Bono interviews and Africa-related relief ideas. This is so funny - heal and enjoy!

The talking statue

A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray. The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!" The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!" Ship of Fools compiled a top ten of funniest religious jokes.

This week the e-zine will launch St Pixels, a new online community, and Joel News will run an item on church planting in cyberspace.

Paradise on earth?

Emergingchurch.info reports about a new incarnational missions initiative called 'Naturists Unashamedly Doing Evangelism and Surfing' (NUDES). According to the initiators "nakedness is crucial to what we're about. Once people get beyond the pretence of fashion and image they find that they can be totally open with each other. It's led to some revealing conversations." What a pity that this 'being naturists to the naturists' story was published on April 1, I think it's a cool idea. Not that I would envision myself surfing the beaches of Holland in my adam's costume, but hey - the Finns have some experience here, let them do it. Every naturist an evangelist, every sauna a house church, and we can surely turn the world back into a paradise. :-)

Setting goals Presbyterian-style

Satirical e-zine Lark News reports that the Presbyterian Church in the USA launched an ambitious plan to lose only 5% of its members. "People at the grassroots need hope and motivation," says a spokesman. "This is a positive goal we can all get behind."

Also funny: Church asks 'TMI pastor' to set boundaries and
US kids jealous of sponsored children.

Outsourcing to India

The world is flat and humor is round. Satirical e-zine Lark News carries two hilarious stories on the global side of life. The first is about a major television ministry that outsourced their prayer lines to India, leading to interesting incidents. Last month, Lori Danes, 43, called the prayer line and requested prayer for her mother's persistent ulcers. But her prayer representative, who called himself 'Darren', prayed in a strong Indian accent that "all the gods would bless her mightily." The other story is about a woman who evangelizes the world through 800 numbers.

Mississippi Squirrel Revival

My unconventional prophetic friend Dolf mailed me this report by Ray Stevens of a spontaneous revival in a little sleepy town in Mississippi that started with a squirrel. Seven deacons and the pastor got saved, 500 people rededicated their lives and got rebaptized, 20,000 dollars got raised and 50 people volunteered for missions in the Congo.

No need to pray endlessly for revival, just order a squirrel and let it loose in church next Sunday morning. ;-)

Could you repeat that, pastor?

Yes, it's that authentic 'rabbit caught in the headlights' look. An expression of total disbelief and sheer terror recently crossed the face of Blake Bergstrom, a youth pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado. In mid-sermon, he was describing what happened when Lot pitched his tents too close to Sodom and Gomorrah, when the mother of all sermon blunders fell from a clear blue sky. But God is good. Clearly, before the beginning of time, He had purposed that the whole event should be recorded on video. Blake Bergstrom is good, too, as he generously released the video onto the Net. Click here to view.

Poor Blake, this is getting really embarrassing, but so funny! Also cool is this message, recorded on a church office's answering machine, and this quote from vicar Dick Lucas. More crazy stuff at Ship of Fools.