Marc's Messages

New 'wolfwarning' system

"When Brent Libby started attending Green Valley Baptist church, he was surprised at the icy reception he received. The reason: the pastor knew all about Libby. He'd read about him on WolfWarning.com, a website which chronicles bad behavior by local church-goers. Libby's file included a photograph and comments written by his former pastor that said, "Argues with me over minor doctrinal points after every service. Thinks he knows Greek. Not interested in maturing, just debate. Wolf rating: 3." A hilarious story from Lark News about an advanced warning system that is being used by pastors all over the United States to keep track of troublesome Christians, that bounce from one church to another, causing the same types of problems.

Measuring church growth

Grace Valley Baptist church has been losing a dozen members per year. But according to a recent measure, the church is expanding 7 percent annually. The reason: They now measure attendance by weight rather than per person. "We may be shrinking numerically, but in sheer mass we're growing fast," says pastor Sam Winter. A hilarious story from satirical e-zine Lark News.

Also funny:
Dobson endorses family for president in '08
Man's prophetic actions offer lifestyle of fun

Corporate organizational chart

When cleaning up some paperwork, Karolien found this funny corporate organizational chart (pdf). It reminds me of the time I still worked in such a company structure. The corporate communications department where I was employed was situated directly under the General Director, but of course as I was not in a senior leadership position my name did not even show up in the chart. On several occasions, partly out of naivity, partly out of intentional disregard, I crossed the 'boundaries' of the chart and got myself into trouble. I quickly discovered that I was not born for company politics.

And after reading Ricardo Semler's 'The Seven-Day Weekend' I know for sure that I left Egypt and will never return to such a corporate structure. It's one of the most dysfunctional and counterproductive ways of organizing a company. On page 201 Semler states:

"At Semco, we tell people to put anything they want on their business cards. I myself don't need a business card, so I don't need a title. On the other hand, Joao Vendramim's card reads, Royal Pharaoh in Charge of Supplies. Jose Alignani's card has his name on it, nothing else. Most people did the same, but when Ubirajar Freitas joined Semco, he decided on his own that he was a president. [...] At Semco, you are what you do, not what or whom you control."

I love this guy. As far as I know he's not a believer, but he discovered something of God's organic principles and applied it to his company. Apparently he enjoys the rain of go(o)d ideas.

Overcoming Bono Fatigue

Andrew Billings set up a website for U2 fans suffering from Bono Fatigue as a result of over-consumption of U2 music, Bono interviews and Africa-related relief ideas. This is so funny - heal and enjoy!

The talking statue

A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray. The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!" The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!" Ship of Fools compiled a top ten of funniest religious jokes.

This week the e-zine will launch St Pixels, a new online community, and Joel News will run an item on church planting in cyberspace.

Paradise on earth?

Emergingchurch.info reports about a new incarnational missions initiative called 'Naturists Unashamedly Doing Evangelism and Surfing' (NUDES). According to the initiators "nakedness is crucial to what we're about. Once people get beyond the pretence of fashion and image they find that they can be totally open with each other. It's led to some revealing conversations." What a pity that this 'being naturists to the naturists' story was published on April 1, I think it's a cool idea. Not that I would envision myself surfing the beaches of Holland in my adam's costume, but hey - the Finns have some experience here, let them do it. Every naturist an evangelist, every sauna a house church, and we can surely turn the world back into a paradise. :-)

Setting goals Presbyterian-style

Satirical e-zine Lark News reports that the Presbyterian Church in the USA launched an ambitious plan to lose only 5% of its members. "People at the grassroots need hope and motivation," says a spokesman. "This is a positive goal we can all get behind."

Also funny: Church asks 'TMI pastor' to set boundaries and
US kids jealous of sponsored children.

Outsourcing to India

The world is flat and humor is round. Satirical e-zine Lark News carries two hilarious stories on the global side of life. The first is about a major television ministry that outsourced their prayer lines to India, leading to interesting incidents. Last month, Lori Danes, 43, called the prayer line and requested prayer for her mother's persistent ulcers. But her prayer representative, who called himself 'Darren', prayed in a strong Indian accent that "all the gods would bless her mightily." The other story is about a woman who evangelizes the world through 800 numbers.

Mississippi Squirrel Revival

My unconventional prophetic friend Dolf mailed me this report by Ray Stevens of a spontaneous revival in a little sleepy town in Mississippi that started with a squirrel. Seven deacons and the pastor got saved, 500 people rededicated their lives and got rebaptized, 20,000 dollars got raised and 50 people volunteered for missions in the Congo.

No need to pray endlessly for revival, just order a squirrel and let it loose in church next Sunday morning. ;-)

Could you repeat that, pastor?

Yes, it's that authentic 'rabbit caught in the headlights' look. An expression of total disbelief and sheer terror recently crossed the face of Blake Bergstrom, a youth pastor at Southeast Christian Church in Parker, Colorado. In mid-sermon, he was describing what happened when Lot pitched his tents too close to Sodom and Gomorrah, when the mother of all sermon blunders fell from a clear blue sky. But God is good. Clearly, before the beginning of time, He had purposed that the whole event should be recorded on video. Blake Bergstrom is good, too, as he generously released the video onto the Net. Click here to view.

Poor Blake, this is getting really embarrassing, but so funny! Also cool is this message, recorded on a church office's answering machine, and this quote from vicar Dick Lucas. More crazy stuff at Ship of Fools.

My unpublished April 1 report

Don't know what hit me today. Was it yesterday's late night prayer meeting in the house of prayer, with that weird, quite incompatible mix of 'impressions', varying from pastoral waterfalls to judgement by tornados? Or is it that dry, ironic sense of humor that some say God created me with, and others say I need some deliverance from, that tends to come out on days like this? I don't know, but in a wave of mean inspiration I wrote a fake Joel News report on the spreading of a 'judgement virus' in the Netherlands. I won't officially publish it, as it could cost me half of my subscription base (Holland is full of Calvinists, you know), but I assume you as readers of my blog - who have been used to even more unconventional humor - can handle it, so here you go.

Download oordeel_breidt_zich_uit_over_heel_nederland.doc | html

Church growth humor

Two funny church growth cartoons from ChurchLaughs.com:

The bear, the lion and the hen

From Reinhold's blog:

A bear, a lion and a hen met. "When I roar, the whole forest is afraid", the bear said. "When I roar, the whole savanna is afraid," the Lion tried to top him. "Thats nothing", the hen said. "When I cough, the whole world is afraid."

Prophet downgrades earthquake

Satirical e-zine Lark News has the gift of pushing where it hurts. From this month's edition a report that somehow sounds very familiar...

After incorrectly predicting that the West Coast would be rocked by a major earthquake and tsunami on Valentine's Day, Irv Fielding, who runs an independent prophetic ministry, downgraded his prediction to "some slight tremors which may be felt by a handful of people in rural eastern Oregon. By God's grace, the terrible catastrophe I prophesied has been averted because people repented and prayed," he said in an online statement to his 120,000 ministry supporters. The massive tsunami God was going to send will instead be a "spiritual tsunami, a wave of God's blessing that will cover Oregon," he said. Participants in Fielding's online chatroom were ecstatic. "Irv continues to demonstrate his powerful anointing," said a longtime Fielding fan in a post last Tuesday. "Every disaster he has prophesied in the past 20 years has been averted through prayer. Praise God, people!"

More satirical news reports:
- Church franchise a hit, but hostile take-overs rattle congregations
- Jabez descendants sue for royalties
- Are your cats old enough to learn about Jesus?

South African logic

Some weeks ago someone pointed my attention to a webpage depicting the South African logic. It's very funny. Click on the pictures below to enlarge.

What a pity...

... that Adam and Eve were no Chinese. They would have eaten the snake instead of the apple, and all history would have developed so differently.
(from Reinhold's blog, and Stefan Lingott comments)

Playing church on your PC

What a blast, this Megachurch PC game developed by e-church's Tim Bednar. Imagine if you could create the church you wanted, any way you wanted. In this game you pastor a simulated church and create your own Christian empire. Hire and fire staff and deal with idiots, naive volunteers, and denominational egos. Attract fickle unchurched people with Bingo, revival meetings or fasting - it is all up to you!

Choose a denomination (Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist, Pentecostal, plus many more obscure factions and a brand new emergent plug-in). Implement the latest ministry fad. With network play enabled, you can steal members from other churches and earn points just like you saved them yourself. The possibilities are endless! Denominations and Bible colleges use this game to prepare potential church planters and associate pastors. It is better than an internship!

A field guide to Evangelicals

Satirical e-zine Lark News published 'A field guide to evangelicals and their habitat'. Just read chaper 1 titled 'What evangelicals believe, plus a master list of who is going to hell'. Quote:

"The evangelical fixation on hell may bother you, but from a sociological point of view, believing in hell is thought to be less violent-inducing then believing in heaven. Members of some religions go on suicide runs, thinking they will earn a vaunted position in heaven, including dozens of 'extra virgins'. In contrast, evangelicals don't want anyone to die until they have received Jesus."



To be extra clear, the book charts out who will go to hell: the Clintons, all Catholics, the Dalai Lama, all divorce lawyers, Michael Moore, the whole staff of the New York Times, and SpongeBob SquarePants. And this is only a fragment of the list. Other chapters include 'Evangelical mating habits: the shocking truth', 'Planning your field trip to an evangelical church' and 'Decorating like an evangelical'. You can also do the EQ test, to determine how evangelical you are.

How to prevent bird flu?

The Norwegians found a way to prevent avian influenza (bird flu). Not sure if it will bring them this year's Nobel Prize, but it's at least good for the wool market. Click on the picture to enlarge.

Blogging in tongues

As a special service to my baptist friends, I run a parellel version of my weblog in tongues. Comments only in tongues please.

Cheney plays God on intercom

Some conservative Christians in America believe that Bush is being led by God in his strategic decision making. But actually it is vice-president Cheney's voice on the Oval Office intercom, says satirical newspaper The Onion. Telephone logs recorded by the NSA seem to confirm this. A voice positively identified as Cheney's identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq, as well as the use of torture in prisoner interrogations. This also explains Bush's slow response in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Bush was praying in the Oval Office, but received no direction from God, because Cheney was on a fly-fishing trip. Full story here.

Osama Bin-Santa and soccer

Dutch missions organisation Agapè launched a website and campaign to point people to the real meaning of Christmas. As part of their viral marketing strategy they spread little Santa Claus movies, like this one with Osama Bin-Santa.

In the meantime Stefan Lingott of EPIC in Münster is preparing for the world championship soccer in 2006. I think he's already quite nervous about a possible confrontation between Holland and Germany. Check out this funny movie on his weblog.

Humor from Belgium

Belgian youth website Breeze has a cartoonist with a true gift of cynical humor. I think he (or is it a she?) is really funny. Check it out.

The sheep of things to come

One of my favorite websites on churchianity is Sheepcomics.com. Recent entries include 'the sheep of things to come', 'the masterplan' and 'the prayer meeting'.

Preparing for Rapture

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that Last Days Bible Church in Pine Bluff, Arkansas, has taken a novel step to prepare people for the Rapture: under each seat in the sanctuary is an airline-style safety card giving instructions for what to do when the Rapture takes place. "It's a way of getting people's attention," says pastor Mark Eckers, who preaches often about the end times. "We are concerned about people's Rapture preparedness." Ushers give a complete safety demonstration before each service, even pointing out exit routes for people who are not taken by the Rapture. Full story here.

Also funny:
Christian 'looters' destroy sex shops in New Orleans

Jabez in China

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that The Prayer of Jabez by Bruce Wilkinson, one of the best-selling non-fiction books in the past ten years, has gutted China's house church movement. "Chinese Christians used to sacrifice everything for Christ. Now they only want God to bless them," says one Chinese elder who has served five prison terms for planting churches. A fake story, nevertheless carrying more truth than we like...



Also funny if you like 'deadly' humor:
'Perfect' pastor found to be dead

Pastor, feed me!

If you weren't convinced yet that the church needs a reformation: this cartoon says it all. With permission from Churchlaughs.com.

Mega-church controls state

Satirical e-zine Lark News reports that in 12 short years, Christian Family Center, a church of 8,500 in Idaho, has purchased large swaths of cheap land with surplus tithes and effectively taken control of the state. This includes the state highways, which the church maintains as toll roads. Church members drive for free, others pay $7-12. For now, one can drive from Oregon to Montana and never leave the church's 'Area of Ministry'. Great story.

Pastors feel miserable

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that church growth conferences often help pastors feel like miserable failures. Like the "Bigger Church, Bigger Impact" conference wrapped on Friday in Peoria, Illinois, leaving participants feeling drained and dejected.

"I came here thinking my church was doing all right. Now I see we're so dinky and dumb, it's not even funny," says pastor Steve Irvine of Reno, Nev., who went to his hotel room and cried after each session. Several faith-filled conference speakers shared how they grew their churches to tens of thousands of members with various ministry techniques. In the foyer afterward, many participants wore tight grins. Some broke down on the spot.

After paying $400 to attend the conference, pastor Ryan Delacourt of Eugene, Ore., left feeling "about three tons worse" than when he came. "I don't know why I go to these things," he says, noting that his church has been trying to break the 100-member mark for twelve years. After the conference some pastors hit the local Cracker Barrel restaurant to commiserate. Some vowed not to return. "If I want to be this depressed again, I'll rent Apocalypse Now, or read my e-mails," quipped one.

Also funny:
Man arrested for drunk-in-the-Spirit driving
Woman builds sermon-tape empire

Churchplanting Sicilian style

I also liked this story from satirical newspaper Lark News: a new megachurch in Palermo, Sicily, presents church as a big family in which you 'pay tribute to the Big Don'. They use violins in worship and appointed ushers in a pinstripe suit and dark sunglasses. The pastor preaches on 'how to be a wiseguy'. "God did a favor for you a long time ago," pastor Bendeto says. "It's time to return that favor. The books are open for you right now. If you don't come forward, who knows? You might have trouble this week. Crazy things happen. Come show your respect to the Big Don."

As the church gains control over more neighborhoods, Bendeto's ambitions are growing. He recently planted a church in Newark, N.J., with the help of financial backers in Sicily. He hopes one day to have churches up and down the East Coast of America.

Also funny: new Vatican 'priest on wheels' initiative.

40 Days of Purpose fanatics

A new breed of Purpose-Driven Life fanatics is traveling from city to city to attend 40 Days of Purpose programs, temporarily swelling the sizes of local churches and overwhelming parks and neighborhoods, reports satirical newspaper Lark News. The roving group of 10,000 people is made up of Baby Boomers seeking new life direction, young college students opting out of traditional career channels, and street vendors making a buck off it all.

Self-described 'purps' and 'PDL-heads' (pronounced 'puddleheads') say they enjoy the process of finding their purpose so much that it has become their ultimate goal. "I'm on my 400th day of purpose and I still feel invigorated," says Wendy Sotter, 44, a 'proud purp' from Omaha. "My purpose in life is to find my purpose. It's like a constant high."

Heaven less opulent than Vatican

The pope had a good sense of humor, so probably he would have appreciated this news report from satirical newspaper The Onion about his arrival in Heaven:

HEAVEN - The soul of Pope John Paul, which entered heaven last week following a long illness, expressed confusion and disappointment Saturday, upon learning that the Celestial Kingdom of God to which the departed faithful ascend in the afterlife is significantly less luxurious than the Vatican's Papal Palace, in which the pope spent the past 26 years of his earthly life.

"Where are all the marble statues, sterling-silver chalices, and gem-encrusted scepters?" the visibly disappointed pope asked. It turned out that heaven is merely a place of unending peace and happiness, wherein all the spirits of the Elect live together forever in perfect harmony and goodness, basking in the rays of God's divine love. "I spent almost 84 years reciting novenas and Hail Marys to get to this restful place. If I'd wanted peace, quiet, and pretty clouds, I could've moved to the Italian Riviera."

"Up here, everyone is equal," John Paul II said. "No one has to go through an elaborate bowing ritual when they greet me. And do you know how many times my ring has been kissed since I arrived? None. Up here, I'm mingling with tax collectors, fishermen, and whores. It's just going to take a little getting used to, that's all."

Rapture takes two

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that the Rapture occurred March 31, 2005, at 9:43 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time and took both people on the planet whose theology was exactly correct. Dan Wilson of Ottawa, Canada, was snatched away while sleeping. "He spent years refining his eschatological scheme," says his wife. "Just last week he told me he had it all right, but I still disagreed with him on a minor point. I regret that now."

Rejna Thanawalla of New Delhi, India, also experienced the Rapture, say friends. "She knew exactly what the books of Revelation and Daniel meant," they say. "Sadly, none of us listened to her." In a surprise, Tim LaHaye says he was "slightly wrong on the subject of the Beast," and was left behind. Other prophecy experts say they, too, botched minor points in their end times charts. "Looks like we'll have to stay and wait this out," said one disappointed pastor.

Will change come to the Vatican?

Also funny is this report from satirical newspaper The Onion:

With Pope John Paul II's health in decline, there is speculation as to who will succeed him as the head of the Roman Catholic Church. Cardinal Oscar Andres Rodriguez Maradiaga announced Monday that he is more than ready to accept the challenges of the papacy.

Maradiaga said he would not change the things that people love most about the pope. "The robes, the hat, the staff - all that benevolent-father stuff is going to stay," Maradiaga said. "Hey, I'm not crazy. Also, the day-to-day operations of local churches will continue apace. So don't worry, Catholics. I've got your back."

Rumors have spread that, should he be installed as pope, Maradiaga will effect a number of immediate changes, moving the Vatican from Rome to Barcelona, modernizing the doctrine of apostolic succession, and streamlining the stations of the cross from 14 to 10.

Full-time paid worship leader stress

This month's Questions & Answers in satirical newspaper Lark News:

Q: My church recently hired a full-time, paid worship leader. I'm wondering, what does he do all week? I'm afraid to ask my pastor. (Anonymous, Las Vegas, Nev.)
   
A: A better question is, what DOESN'T your worship leader do during the week? He's got a demanding job! He probably spends 15-20 hours a week selecting the songs for the next Sunday services. This grueling process is comparable to the intense research a lawyer or accountant does on behalf of clients. A worship leader must constantly scan the horizon for the best new worship songs which represent what is currently on God's heart, usually by listening to the latest HillSong CD, or calling a fellow worship leader in another state and saying, "Hey, what are you guys singing lately?"

He'll then play the songs over and over again to make sure they are right. I find that for every five hours I spend selecting songs, I have to spend at least one hour playing golf to wind down.

Another 5 hours goes into selecting the key in which each song will be played - a highly specialized skill which involves knowing how to sing and play the guitar or piano. Add 2 more hours to establish the order of songs, and at least 2 hours to checking, re-checking, and re-re-checking the sound equipment on stage to make sure everything is plugged in correctly, and hasn't inadvertently become unplugged.

A good worship leader then allows 10 hours to practice with the worship band and/or choir. Practice itself should only take an hour or two, but the worship leader should spend 8 hours becoming mentally prepared.

Remember: worship leaders are under tremendous stress to "pull off" a good worship service each week. Five days is barely enough to work up to that next half-hour test. Given his merciless schedule, it's a surprise your worship leader isn't "tuckered out" come Sunday morning! Go ahead and give that guy a hug!

Awards for celebrity prophets

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports about the 15th annual American Prophetic Awards. "For fans of prophetic ministry, this is the big night," said celebrity reporter Jonathan McCloud, stationed at the red carpet where prophets in stunning evening wear arrived for the gala celebration.

Russ Springer took home the award for Best Special Effects for his Recurring Glory Mist, beating out Diane Knight and her Gold Dust/Gold Teeth phenomena. Both prophetic effects have caused a nationwide sensation. The Award for Humility went to Kent Overton, who initially refused to accept it, but finally agreed because "it will look like false humility if I say no," he said. Best Supporting Prophet went to young superstar J.T. Simers who said the Holy Spirit had told him in advance he would win. "This is a crowning achievement for any professional prophet," he said, holding the American Elijah trophy aloft.

After the event, cheering crowds lined the red carpet and clamored for autographs, while prophets reached across the velvet rope to pray for them. Hundreds of fans were slain in the Spirit by the time the prophets climbed into their limousines and headed for various conferences.

There may be more truth in satire than we like. Full story here.

Church commuting by airplane

More people are commuting to church - by airplane, reports satirical newspaper Lark News. "An increasing number of families are eschewing local congregations and joining regional mega-church powerhouses."

"Sensing an opportunity, mega-churches have begun cultivating congregations over vast areas - as far as 500-700 miles away. Some have started private airplane services and built airfields to whisk people in for Sunday and mid-week services. Some 'church' airfields are busier than municipal airports on weekends."

Although this story is fake, the link between low-budget flights and mega-churches is not unthinkable. Already more and more business professionals are commuting internationally. They live in a country house in France or Spain, but work in Amsterdam or London, and just hop on a cheap airplane every Monday morning and Friday afternoon. There's even a guy who works as a policeman in the city of London, but lives with his family in New Zealand. He works long hours for two months in a row, after which he has two months off.

Lark News also published a nice parody on the emerging church.

More, Lord, fill him up!

Readers of this blog are getting used to weird stories. Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that a heart attack victim went unnoticed in the midst of a 'Holy Spirit revival meeting' because dozens of people were 'slain in the Spirit' around him.

"I thought he was overcome by the power of God," says associate pastor Kevin Toomey, who saw brother Munrow fall into the aisle during the visiting evangelist's sixth impassioned altar call. But at 11 p.m., when the service wound down, people noticed that Munrow had not moved for at least two hours. They also noticed he was blue. "That's when we knew something was wrong."

As a result of the incident the church decided to add a crew of life signs ushers to work revival meetings alongside regular catchers and modesty cloth drapers. "We want people to meet with God at our meetings, but not face to face," the pastor said.

College degree in pastor's wiving

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that King of King's College in Lafayette welcomed its first candidates for a groundbreaking minor in pastor's wiving, the first such degree offered in the country.

"After years of grasping in the dark, pastors' wives can learn how to deal with rampant in-fighting in their women's ministry groups, whiny women seeking marriage advice they won't ever use, children who go through extreme rebellion, board members who accuse them of secretly controlling the pastor, and being called the 'b word' on occasion," says professor Helen DuLac, the minor's director. "To be a pastor's wife you don't have to speak Greek and Hebrew, just be able to listen to it with an expression of sincere interest," says DuLac.

Also funny:
Church creates section for huggy, touchy couples
Rise of 'testimony crimes' worries police

Ushers with stun guns

Satirical newspaper Lark News reports that First Baptist Church in Montgomery has taken serious safety measures to protect its congregation from crime. "There are crazies out there, terrorists who might try to take out the man on the platform."

Also funny:
Pastor wary of associate's motives
Bank blamed for auto-tithe snafu

Reality show tests pastors' loyalties

A group of seven pastors is suing Fox Television Network for allegedly misleading them during their participation in a reality show, 'Catch a Tither By the Tail', reports satirical newspaper Lark News in its September edition. The program, which airs in September, features the pastors vying for the affections and attendance of a Christian man worth $100 million. But producers introduced a twist: the millionaire didn't believe in tithing. Would the winning pastor love and care for the man anyway, or would the lost opportunity for large tithe checks ruin the relationship?

Other hot stories from Lark News:
Youth groups recruit 'superstar' kids
Family's boycott extends to everything

From the Prayer Request Gossip Line: "I'm Jewish. Pray for my evangelical neighbors to move far away, or to quit being so concerned about my eternal soul. Their kids always ask if I know 'Jesus' yet. My soul is my business." And from a guy named John: "Pray that I would win this critical upcoming election."

Man enjoys smallest small group

Satirical newspaper Lark News ran a funny story about the smallest small group of America - made up of one guy who fellowships with himself. "I meet at my house every week in the living room," he says. "I bring snacks and my Bible, and after some chit-chat I get down to discussing that week's reading, sharing my burdens, my praise reports. Then I pray for myself."

And a nice parody on the Evangelical hype culture:
Pastors await next 'witnessing event of a lifetime'

US Constitution canonized

Monthly satirical newspaper The Holy Observer reports that the U.S. Constitution will be canonized. In January 2005, congregations across the world will be asked to do the unimaginable - open their Bibles to the book of First Americans. The New Testament has been tinkered with for the first time in nearly 1,700 years by the Council at Colorado Springs - a hodgepodge of evangelical leaders from across the nation who have added the United States Constitution to the canon of Scripture.

Just stop saying 'just'!

Monthly satirical newspaper The Holy Observer reports that for decades, God has lavished his followers with linguistic grace regarding what could be considered an epidemic in the prayer world - the use of the word 'just'. Usually found in a pattern similar to "God, please just [insert petition] and just [insert another petition]," the word 'just' has made answering prayers a confusing and tedious process for the Almighty. In response, God declared earlier this month that Christians everywhere may no longer use the word 'just' during intercessory prayer, effective immediately.

More from The Holy Observer:
Saddam Hussein converts to Christianity in custody
Christian mom thinks 'blog' is a euphemism for sex
Campus Crusade for Christ sues Mel Gibson over Passion
Man happier about switch to Mac than conversion to Christianity
Exclusive Report: Trinity Broadcasting Network run by atheists
Circle of prayer surrounding National Day of Prayer gets confusing

40 Days of Purpose

Also from Lark News, but deserves it's own posting:

Q: My church is embarking on something called '40 Days of Purpose'. Can you explain what this is?

A: Sure! The popular '40 Days of Purpose'® discipleship effort originated with Saddleback Church® in Lake Forest, California. The program leads participants through forty daily studies to help them discover God's will® for their lives.

The 40® Days of Purpose® campaign is based on the popular book, The Purpose®-Driven Life® by Rick Warren®, pastor of Saddleback® Church®. That book, a sequel to Warren's® earlier best-seller, The Purpose®-Driven® Church®, examines the gospel® message at its most fundamental level, bringing participants® closer to Jesus® and to their life's purpose®. Indeed, Warren's® entire line of Purpose®-Driven® products® are used globally, even by churches® not affiliated with Saddleback®.

Warren's® website® puts it best: "The 40® Days® of Purpose® campaign helps Christians® new and old find their purpose® in life®, for the glory of God®." Enjoy your journey® through the 40® Days® of Purpose® campaign®!

The Holy Observer, another satirical newspaper, reports what could happen if you violate the ®ule. Some churches even expel non-Purpose Driven members.

Passé pop bands resurrected

Monthly satirical newspaper Lark News reports that passé pop bands are resurrected as Christian acts, a victory for nostalgia and evangelism. "Our songs still have life in them. So you tweak a few lyrics, memorize some scriptures, get yourself a testimony, and viola, you've got a fan base again." Nice quote from a pastor about the altar call: "I don't really care if the commitments are real - we just want them to say yes."

Last month Lark News reported that 'Buddhists target the 30-140 window', a parody on the Christian prayer and missions effort for the 10-40 window, but quite realistic as well, because the Buddhists are very intentional in their 'missions approach' towards the West. Also see our report in Joel News.

Last time I quoted a report from Lark News, some folks sent it on as for real. Please, before you do so, look up the word 'satirical' in your dictionary.

More from Lark News:
Cleveland-area revival attributed to woman's Scripture checks
Boy unsure why he fully invested in FROG fad
Classic Christian bumper stickers latest hot collectible

Introducing the Techno-Tithe

Scott told me that if you like satirical reports on churchianity, The Holy Observer can compete with Lark News. So I checked it out, and guess what: they report that "in a startling collision of modern technology and ministry, Crockett's Bluff Community Church is the first known church in America to use Logitech's biochip technology to receive its weekly tithes and offerings."

Of course, we could have suspected it - the mysterious 666 is not the Pope, the US President or the Secretary General of the UN, but your local pastor.

My kidney belongs to Christ

Lark News, a monthly satirical newspaper on churchianity, reports that Aleta Smith, who donated her kidney to a 20-year-old college student last year, wants it back now that the student has changed religions. "I'm all for spiritual curiosity," she says, "but you've got to settle these things beforehand. My kidney belongs to Christ. It will never be Pagan."

Also nice: the Prayer Request Gossip Line. "Pray that the lady who prophesies in church will sit down and shut up." [239 people have prayed for this request.]

Best from Lark News

Lark News is a monthly satirical newspaper on churchianity. It's my kind of humor, and these are some of their best stories:

- Pastor's multiple personalities suit congregation just fine
- Pastor's wife sends body double to sit pleasantly on front pew
- Christian couple maintains abstinence through first two years of marriage
- False prophecy victim sues for pain and suffering
- Assemblies of God commits entire 2004 evangelism budget to converting Madonna
- PromiseKeepers rally in Atlanta draws 1
- Woman wins lottery, leaves town without tithing
- Animatronic band takes guesswork out of worship
- Accountability groups classified as gangs in Detroit

The Americanized Bible Version

Jimmy Doyle of Liquid Thinking compiled some Scriptures for today's Christians from the 'Americanized Bible Version':

Romans 3:9-21
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written: "There are no Fully Devoted Followers™ of christ, not even one; there is no one who is Purpose Driven™, no one who asks, 'What Would Jesus Do?™'. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who follows the Irrefutable Laws of Leadership™, not even one."

Mark 1:10-13
As Jesus was Emerging™ out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a Dove Award™. And a voice came from heaven: "You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." At once the Spirit sent him out into the desert, and he was in the desert for 40 Days of Purpose™, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him and gave him little chocolate candies in 40 Days of Purpose™ wrappers.